Relationships can be the most rewarding and the most difficult parts of our lives, sometimes simultaneously.
Both parties in a relationship have needs and wants, and we do our best when those needs and wants are fulfilled.
Here’s the ultimate key to relationships: communication.
Sometimes we are scared to express ourselves, but it’s okay to be you, to express, to share your thoughts and wants and fears and needs.
Romantic relationships, specifically.
Let’s talk about relationships.
Here are four relationship tips, in no particular order,
that have the possibility to improve your relationship right now:
Face your fears and express yourself.
I already mentioned the needs and desires which make us human – when we bring those needs and wants to the surface, it sometimes makes us feel vulnerable or scared. Perhaps you weren’t accepted by a past partner for those things, and that heightens your fear of not being accepted by your current partner. It’s okay to tell your partner if your needs aren’t currently being met. Yes, it can be hard to open up about these things, but what if you could be more fulfilled by initiating this uncomfortable conversation? Your partner is with you because they care about you, and chances are they want you to be happy… People just normally can’t read minds to know when something is amiss, so the only way for them to know is for you to tell them.
It is important to fulfill yourself in a relationship,
and part of that relationship is fulfilling your partner as well.
This one’s quite simple: check in with your partner occasionally.
Simply ask them, ‘how’s our relationship going for you?’ This serves two purposes: first, to demonstrate to your partner that you are concerned about their needs, and second, to determine if their wants and needs are met. Ask this simple sentence often – every few weeks, perhaps – and you’ve opened the door for better communication and a better relationship.
These two things – communicating and checking in – moves us to mutually beneficial, win-win relationships.
Are you both willing to give each other what the other wants and desires so long as they will do the same for you? If you do, that’s a sign of a healthy relationship. We get there by talking to each other, expressing what we want, and working together to achieve this.
A third tip: try to understand what drives your partner’s desires.
Normally our desires are driven by something else under the surface - a deeper reason. Take, for example, a partner who asks for a back rub. Sure, give them the back rub, but what if you ask them how come they want that back rub? They might answer that they feel closer to you when you touch them.
Ah-hah! They want to feel close to you.
Isn’t that nice to know?
Try asking them a follow-up question: how else can I touch you so you feel close to me? They might answer that they really like spoon hugs on the couch, because they feel so close when you do that.
Asking these simple questions allows you to understand each other better
and provides a better conduit into their desires.
A back rub and a spoon hug are pretty easy to do, and you’ve just acted to ensure your partner’s needs are met. You can even emphasise it because you know your partner wants it… 'When I spoon you, I feel how close you are to me and that makes me feel so loved.' ...and then of course you'll enjoy it more, particularly if it aligns with what you want. Win-win.
My last tip: acceptance.
This is a big one. Simply accepting your partner’s words and feelings is an excellent way to begin a discussion that has emotions attached. We're not always having a great day, so sometimes the situation has nothing to do with you. Accept what your partner says by repeating back what they say. If your partner comes home after a terrible day and tells you they're angry, simply tell them 'I accept your anger.'
By saying this, you are telling your partner you recognize them simply as they are – pissed off or frustrated or demoralised – and you accept them as a person in this frame of mind. Your partner now knows you are on the same team as them.
Telling someone you accept them does not have to mean that you agree with them, but it simply gives them permission to be who they are and to be loved for where they are at this moment. This simple idea brings a great deal of reassurance to people, because often they just want to know they are loved in perhaps a tough time at work or life. This acceptance conveys that you notice the other person being angry, sad, or frustrated, and that you accept the person for those feelings. It communicates: ‘you are welcome here, and it's okay to express your feelings.’
This opens the door for you to express your feelings,
and tells your partner you have the desire to listen to theirs.